Spring Break Shark Attack
Director: Paul Shapiro
Starring: Shannon Lucio Riley Smith Justin Baldoni Bianca Lishansky Genevieve Howard
Review By: Matt & Becky Pelishek
A boat out in the ocean? Full of bikini-clad women?
Finally, a unique introduction to a shark movie! HEY!
What the? The women fall into the
water and get eaten by sharks? The
creative team spared NO effort in setting this one up! However, despite the films title, it’s not
all you would assume. This is a CBS
made-for-TV film, and is remarkably clean.
Spring Break is approaching, and the red head girl,
who from here on out will be referred to as ‘shark bait,’ is anxious to join
her friends at the ‘ol beach house. She does, despite daddy’s orders not to. It’s here she meets up with the brunette (AKA
tan white girl they try to pass as a minority) whom we’ll call ‘dark meat’ and
the blonde, who will be referred to as ‘dollar menu.’
The film continually insults your intelligence. The next 17 scenes are young college kids on
the beach, telling each other how it’s spring break about 4 times per scene,
just in case you didn’t catch the title of the film. In fact, it’s pretty much like watching The
OC, but with all the characters having to work in the phrase ‘spring break’ in
every other line.
Shark bait finds her brother, and the movie decides to
loosely toss a plot into the mix. Her
brother is working on a trash can with a bunch of wires in it that is supposed
to serve as a beach-wide shark repellent.
If only he could get it to work!
Shark bait meets a guy who likes books more than parites, dark meat’s boyfriend is a cheating pervert, and
no one seems to care about dollar menu.
All is as it should be.
Finally, off the beach, and back onto a boat. So far, not much shark at all. Except those 2 girls that got comically
pulled off a dock, but I mean besides that.
Shark bait fulfills her name.
Doesn’t get eaten, but is chased around in the water by a shark. They take the boat to a nearby island until
book worm boyfriend can fix it.
The plot continues to change with every fleeting
thought of the writers. The film
actually started as a story to catch dark meats cheating boy friend. That faded away, then
it was about shark bait trying to find her brother. Then things kind of blend together, and to
the untrained B-movie viewer, it would seem this movie is very complex. In truth, the entire movie is like a mad-lib,
filling in the blanks as they go, even if it makes no sense, and always leaving
a hilarious story.
They group finds the movies first glimpse of gore, the
remains of the cheating boyfriend washes ashore. The crew races back to the beach to tell all
of ‘spring break’ that the sharks are killing people!
Shark bait, her nerdy boyfriend, and brother all lure
the sharks away from the beach with buckets of blood. Kind of backfires when the sharks tear the
motors off the boat and the boyfriend is accidentally shot with a harpoon. I hate it when that happens. Luckily for all, they try out the brothers garbage can shark repellent, and it works.
An old Australian man sees the carnage and admits he
was dumping blood in the water to attract sharks. He owns another resort and wanted to chase
business away from this one. Poor old
guy had no idea that sending sharks to a crowded beach could end this way.
The beach is safe; shark bait kisses the boy, dark meat
is happy, and still no one cares about dollar menu.