Shark Attack in the Mediterranean

Starring: Patriq Pinheiro, Ralf Moeller, Oona Devi Liebich

Review By: Matt & Becky Pelishek

Everything seemed normal at first, dare I say even an attention grabbing opener. It’s an eerie voice-over of a little girl, and a shot that sinks below the water to a ship wreck, with a young, dead couple within it. We later learn that this scene has nothing to do with anything, but its creepy, and not the start of a typical shark movie. Then out of the blue, WHAM, a booming voice announces SHARK ATTACK MYORCKA (that’s phonetic)! What? For a minute I wasn’t sure if I was watching the movie, or had just watched a trailer for something else. Doesn’t take long to realize this movie has been completely voiced over, and apparently all the actors have the same condition where they can only speak in monotone. I did a quick search, and couldn’t find out where the heck this film came from. They use a couple Spanish terms like ‘seniorita’ but the whole cast is white. Could it be that the script was so awful, they just re-recorded it completly, but couldn’t afford to re-shoot? Entirely possible. Though, considering the script, I’d sure hate to have heard the first one if that’s the case.

Ok, so the actual movie. Not nearly as exciting as the questions surrounding its origin. The first shark attack is at some caged divers. No one dies. Wait, someone mentioned Euros! I guess this was made in Spain…or made to look like it was made in Spain… My brain hurts.

Oh look, the obligatory party scene. Kids partying take to the water! Sharks partying eat the kids! They make the big mistake of making the shark attacks implied, not shown. What films like this need to realize is they are no good. The people that are watching them do so because they want to SEE some sweet shark action. Without that, you’ve got nuthin.

The rains of the party kids are checked out by cops, who find a huge tooth in the wreckage. This is no ordinary shark! The scientist tries to tell everyone. You see, his wife was eaten by a massive shark years ago. The tooth is enough to tell him that VERY same shark is back! And yes my friends, once again the word is finally said. It’s a MEGALADON! I wish this term were not so freely used in shark films. I mean, if the movie sucks, calling the shark a Megaladon won’t make it better. Movies like this de-value the word.

Lots of talk about Germany. Is this a German film? Do Germans think Americans speak primarily Spanish? The mystery grows.

The scientist does some cool stuff, attacks the shark with a helicopter, accurate enough to slice it with one of the blades; drives his car through some fruit and into a pool, steals cars from a fat man a couple times, and cooks a crappy meal.

To really make things complicated, there is a scene in a police station where everything is subtitled in some foreign language, but nowhere else. Just for that scene, even though the rest of the film is all dubbed in English. What the hell is happening?

Ok, this is getting out of hand. So they find out that the megalodon was created by some lady. There is a fight on a huge boat, and the lady falls in the drink and is eaten by her monster. The shark is angry and destroys the boat. Now it’s a jet ski race. The good guys almost get eaten, but then saved by a helicopter! This leads us to the coolest part of the movie. The shark jumps up at the copter, the scientist shoots a small missile down its throat. It was a FANTASTIC megaladon explosion!

During the end credits, the mystery is solved. But I won’t spoil it for you. A more estute linguist would have figured it out sooner, but the end credits are in definetly in….